Do you believe that whatever past situation that we’ve dealt with, especially the darkest experience is going to be our greatest strength?
I’ve been in my darkest place once.
Some call it fate. That we are born in the surroundings of our community, in a specific country and a specific family that we grow up with. I was born in a family that has a lot of background history of divorce. I was born kind a like an accident. My mom was a teen mom when she gave birth to me and I never meet my biological father. I was the “unwanted” daughter. But somehow mom stood up for her pregnancy and decided to raise me. As time passed, she eventually married a guy who finally becomes my dad. However, the marriage didn’t last that long and they got divorced when I was 12 years old.
“Family is the core that will affect your relationship”
The saying speaks a lot. With the pile of a problematic broken girl inside me that could not accept herself, felt unwanted, and unloved especially by a father figure, it affects the relationship. I became the girl that needed love desperately and I find it with my partner. I became drunken by his attention, his caring attitude for me, and the love that I needed so much from him. Then it became lust, and satisfying his sexual needs. He would blame me and make me feel guilty if I didn’t want to follow what he wants.
I know that it was wrong.
I could not stand it, I was afraid, I wanted to end it. But I couldn’t. I needed his love. I was depressed and the word “suicide” crossed my mind. I don’t have anyone whom could help me at that time. My friends couldn’t understand me.
For every woman around the world;
I know that sometimes it seems like love will lead you to a certain situation that feels like it is hard to resist what he wants. You feel like you have to give yourself for the sake of the relationship and make him happy. You feel like it is the only way out. The truth is, there’s a deeper meaning of a relationship. You don’t have to give yourself up because you want to make him happy.
You should know that whatever past experience that hurt you will also influence your relationship. I brought my broken self-image due to my family background to my relationship and I felt that I only love myself when I am with him. If you feel like you are nothing without him, then you have to fix yourself first. I know that it is hard to heal yourself. I’ve been there. I need around 1 year to finally fix my self-image, and learn to love myself.
In the end, I broke up with him. I ended the unhealthy sexual relationship abuse cycle, and I couldn’t get through it by my own. I am very grateful that I have a very supportive mentor that would always support me and give me a wise advice. My mentor said that ” Whatever your past, whether it was bad or good, you always can share with others and through your experience, it might help the societies”. I know that I gave my virginity when I was a teenager, but I know that these days, I’d get through it and I can use this story to help the woman who might still in need of help with their abusive relationship cycle and struggles to get through it.
Don’t be afraid to seek help.